Finding Freedom in Letting Go This Holiday Season
As November begins, the holidays are upon us, and I can’t help but wonder, where has 2024 gone?
For many, this season doesn’t resemble the joyful Hallmark movie portrayal of family gatherings and laughter. Since my husband died, I’ve dreaded this time of year. For me, the stretch from mid-November to New Year’s Day is about getting through, though there are always some happy moments. I start cooking in late October and don’t stop until the feast of the Epiphany. Just this week, I made 48 jars of strawberry jam—cooking keeps me busy, distracting me from the more profound feelings these months bring up.
This will also be my first holiday season without my friend Mike and my dog Maizy. Mike was often at my holiday gatherings, and I’ll miss him at the table, just as I’ll miss my little beggar dog by my side.
For many of us, the holidays stir up memories of people we’ve lost, strained relationships, or other brutal reminders. There’s tension, financial strain, and sometimes family drama. It’s been 15 years since my family was all together for a holiday, and I’ve accepted that we likely never will be again.
Mel Robbins Let Them Theory
When I stumbled upon Mel Robbins’ Let Them Theory a couple of years ago, it brought me so much peace. Robbins’ concept is a two-word approach to reclaiming your life by focusing on what you can control and letting go of what you can’t. These words have become my guide through the holidays, and I hope they might also help you. And yes, it’s a twist on the Serenity Prayer.
Embracing the Let Them Theory
The Let Them Theory encourages us to let people make their own choices—good, bad, or indifferent—without allowing their actions to control our emotions. For years, I tried to keep up appearances or force harmony in situations where it simply wasn’t possible. Here’s how I apply this mindset to navigate the holiday season. I invite you to consider it if you face similar feelings.
1. When Family Gatherings Don’t Include You—Let Them
There’s a hurt that comes with knowing family members are gathering without you. Maybe you’ve tried to mend fences, only to be met with silence. Instead of spending energy trying to fix what’s out of your control, just let them. Their actions still matter, and your feelings are valid, but you can create a holiday that brings you comfort and connection on your terms.
For me, that means focusing on the parts of the season I love—cooking family recipes, reaching out to friends, and inviting others who may be alone to join a gathering. Some of my most meaningful holiday memories have come from events I created from scratch. By “letting them” gather as they will, I can spend time with people who genuinely care about me.
2. When Friends, Neighbors, or Colleagues Exclude You—Let Them
Holidays often bring floods of events that can leave us feeling overlooked. Perhaps there’s an invitation you didn’t receive or a friend who seems distant. The Let Them Theory helps us release the need for validation from every social circle. Remember, not every gathering reflects your worth.
If I’m not invited to the neighborhood Mahjong or bridge group, I just let them. Instead, I focus on creating my own joy. That means gathering my own “group of outcasts.” Those events often turn out to be more fun and meaningful than any invitation I could have received. If you’re feeling left out, screw them. Make your own plans or reach out to people who lift you up.
3. If Loved Ones Make Painful Choices—Let Them
For many, the holidays bring out our protective side. We want to help, to fix, to prevent pain for those we love. But the Let Them Theory reminds us that every person’s journey is theirs to live. I’ve learned that I can support loved ones through struggles without losing myself in the process.
I can be there for friends or family who suffer, but I no longer feel responsible for every choice they make. By letting them make their own decisions, I can stay present without needing to solve everything. If you have family or friends making difficult choices, just let them. Focus on what you can do to be a positive force without sacrificing your peace.
4. When Holiday Expectations Fall Short, Let Them
There’s a powerful image of the “perfect” holiday, filled with bustling family gatherings and beautiful decorations. But life rarely matches that ideal. The Let Them Theory can help us let go of these expectations and allow the season to unfold naturally. Since my husband died, some of my happiest Christmas mornings have been spent having coffee in bed in a hotel room, followed by dinner with friends later in the day.
Letting go of expectations has brought a sense of peace and freedom. If I find joy in something as simple as a quiet morning or a favorite tradition, I’ve learned to embrace it fully and allow the holiday to be what it is.
Creating a Fulfilling Holiday on Your Terms
Whether you’re spending the season without family or navigating challenging dynamics, you can still find fulfillment. Here are some alternative ways to make the season meaningful.
- Reframe Your Expectations: Instead of focusing on what you’re missing, view this time as a chance to craft your own traditions. I celebrated with friends out of town for years, enjoying their traditions. If you can, join in local festivities—some of my fondest memories involve a Cajun Christmas with bonfires on the levee of south Louisiana to welcome Papa Noel.
- Create Your Celebrations: Plan meaningful events that reflect your interests, such as cooking, watching movies, or painting. These small rituals can make the season more intentional. Now, I spend Christmas with my brother, sister-in-law, and our extended family in Memphis, and I am grateful for our time together.
- Volunteer for a Cause: Giving back during the holiday season can bring a sense of connection and purpose, whether at a shelter, animal rescue, or community program.
- Schedule Virtual Gatherings or Send Holiday Cards: If family or friends are far away, consider sending personal holiday cards or organizing a virtual get-together. Even simple gestures like a heartfelt note can offer warmth and inclusion.
- Explore Local Festivities: Look for local holiday events, such as light displays, concerts, or community gatherings. Even an outing alone can bring holiday cheer and lift your spirits.
- Engage in Self-Care and Reflection: The quieter holiday season can be ideal for self-reflection. Write down goals for the new year, revisit hobbies, or find moments for personal renewal. I have friends who go to a movie every Christmas day. It’s a great tradition allowing you to see the latest movie and have popcorn.
Tips for Embracing the Let Them Theory
The beauty of the Let Them Theory lies in its simplicity. Focusing on our growth and happiness frees us from trying to control others. Here are some key points to keep in mind:
- Remember Your Autonomy: You choose how to spend your time, whom you surround yourself with, and what brings you joy.
- Focus on What Fulfills You: Plan activities that bring you joy. For me, that means cooking up favorite recipes and sharing them with friends.
- Welcome Those Who Are Alone: I started inviting friends who, like me, maybe spending the holiday solo. Some of my best memories are from these gatherings, filled with laughter and companionship.
- Let Go with Grace: When you feel left out or frustrated by others’ choices, take a deep breath and let them. Not everything needs your intervention, and focusing on your peace can be the most freeing gift you give yourself.
The Let Them Theory’s Key Points
After reflecting on it and discussing it with a friend, I believe the Let Them Theory is a modern take on the Serenity Prayer:
- Accept What You Can’t Control: Acknowledge that you can’t change others’ behaviors or opinions but can choose how you respond.
- Focus on Your Peace and Happiness: By practicing “letting them,” you can redirect your energy to what genuinely brings you joy.
- Release Judgment and Expectations: Rather than holding others to your standards, accept them as they are and deepen relationships based on respect.
- Embrace Freedom and Choice: Letting others live their lives frees you to live yours with purpose and peace.
As the holidays approach, I hope this mindset can bring you a sense of comfort and freedom. While this season may not look like a Hallmark movie, it can still hold meaningful, beautiful moments. Let’s focus on what makes us happy, welcome the people who choose to be part of our lives, and create our joy.
If you try this approach, I’d love to hear how it goes. Releasing control and letting others be themselves might become your best gift this season.