How Did You Sleep Last Night? The Great Mystery of Restless Nights

It seems every friend I talk to isn’t sleeping. Every friend at the Mahjong table was talking about their sleepless nights. If there were an Olympic sport for staring at the ceiling at 3 AM, many of us would have gold medals. How about you?

Have you tried everything—herbal teas, melatonin, meditation, medication—but sleep remains elusive? So why is good sleep so hard to come by, and more importantly, what can we do about it?

Sleep has never been my best subject. I first learned the term “sleep hygiene” during rehab. During my drinking years, my bedtime routine was a disaster: going to bed with a glass of wine chased with a Benadryl, the TV blaring, and usually falling asleep with a light on. And guess what? I still woke up at 3 AM like clockwork. Through recovery, I learned how to program my body to sleep better, though I’ll go on record that I do occasionally use prescribed sleeping meds (non-addictive), and even they don’t always work.

When talking with my pulmonologist following the chronic asthmatic diagnosis, I asked her the top things we could do to stay healthy as we age. Nothing is surprising on this list, but here we go: nutrition, sleep, consistency with meds, vaccines, hydration, and exercise. She wants her patients to try and get 7 hours of sleep every night. I laughed. Everything on that list is a struggle for most of us. But if we want to improve and maintain our health, we need to know where we fall short and look for small ways to improve.

The Science of Sleep: Why It Matters for Women

Sleep isn’t just about resting our bodies—it’s the foundation of our overall health. When we don’t sleep well, everything suffers: our mood, our energy, our ability to focus, and even our metabolism. Poor sleep contributes to weight gain, heart disease, anxiety, and cognitive decline.

As we age, our sleep cycles shift. We spend less time in deep, restorative sleep and more time waking up during the night. For women specifically, hormonal fluctuations during perimenopause and menopause can trigger night sweats, hot flashes, and mood changes that further disrupt sleep patterns.

Dr. Sara Arber, a sociologist who specializes in sleep research, has found that women are more likely than men to experience sleep problems, often due to factors like hormonal changes during menopause. “Older people tend to have more sleep complaints—trouble falling asleep and staying asleep. But aging itself doesn’t cause sleep problems. It’s other issues in life.” While we may experience more disruptions as we age, we can still take actionable steps to improve our sleep quality.

How to Get Better Sleep Without Losing Your Mind

If you’ve ever Googled “how to sleep better,” you’ve probably run into a hundred generic tips: “Go to bed at the same time every night,” “Don’t use screens before bed,” and “Try chamomile tea.” All great advice—but let’s get real. If it were that easy, we’d all be sleeping like babies. Instead, let’s talk about what works.

1. Control What You Can (and Let Go of the Rest)

Not everything is in our control—kids, partners, noisy neighbors, hormonal shifts. However, what we can control is our sleep environment and habits. Ask yourself:

• Is my bedroom a sleep sanctuary? (Cool, dark, uncluttered, and free from work distractions?)
• Am I eating too late or drinking alcohol too close to bedtime? (My pulmonologist says to stop 2 hours before bed).
• Is my mattress and pillow supporting me, or am I waking up feeling like I fought a bear?

Small changes—like blackout curtains, white noise machines, and a no-work-in-bed policy—can make a huge difference.

2. Rethink the Nightcap

A glass of wine before bed might feel relaxing, but alcohol wrecks sleep quality. It makes you fall asleep faster but causes more wakeups in the middle of the night. You might want to rethink that evening pour if you wake up at 3 AM like clockwork.

3. Move Your Body (But at the Right Time)

Exercise helps regulate sleep, but timing matters. A hardcore workout too close to bedtime can rev up your nervous system instead of calming it down. Aim for morning or early afternoon workouts to help balance your sleep cycle.

4. Stop Doomscrolling in Bed

We all do it—scrolling through news, social media, or mindless videos before bed. But screens mess with our melatonin production, making it harder to fall asleep. Instead, try reading a book, journaling, or a quick gratitude reflection. If you need entertainment, listen to an audiobook or a calming podcast. (I struggle with this one!)

5. Don’t Just Lie There—Get Up

If you’re tossing and turning for over 20 minutes, don’t lie there getting more frustrated. Get up, go to another room, do something relaxing (no screens!), and then try again when you feel sleepy.

6. The 3 AM Wake-Up Club: What to Do When You Can’t Go Back to Sleep

If you wake up in the middle of the night, resist the urge to check the clock or start mentally planning tomorrow’s to-do list. Instead:

• Try deep breathing (inhale for 4 seconds, hold for 7, exhale for 8—it’s magic).
• Relax your body from head to toe, focusing on releasing tension.
• Sometimes, I take the time to meditate and connect with my Higher Power.

Even if sleep doesn’t come easily, staying in bed and resting still provides real benefits. Quiet wakefulness—lying down with your eyes closed—helps lower heart rate, reduce stress, and promote muscle relaxation. Research shows that even short periods of restful stillness can aid memory retention and cognitive function. One study found that 15 minutes of eyes-closed rest after learning improved memory recall for up to a week. Another demonstrated that resting quietly can enhance motor skill development, similar to sleep’s role in learning. While true sleep is irreplaceable, allowing your body to rest—even without drifting off—can help conserve energy, support recovery, and prepare you for better sleep the next night.

7. The Sleep Supplement Debate

Melatonin? Magnesium? CBD? If you’ve tried everything else and still struggle, it might be worth talking to your doctor about natural sleep aids. I was recommended a product, Delta-9 (a THC-derived sleep/pain aid), following surgery for pain and sleep. It worked well. Several of my friends have had great success with it. Do not begin taking it without checking with your doctor. This is not medical advice, only personal experience.

8. Address Hormonal Disruptions

For women experiencing perimenopausal or menopausal symptoms affecting sleep:

• Consider moisture-wicking pajamas for night sweats
• Keep your room cooler than you might think necessary
• Discuss hormone replacement therapy options with your doctor if symptoms are severe

Final Thoughts: Sleep is Possible, and You Deserve It

If you’ve been struggling with sleep, you’re not alone. It’s a battle many of us face, but it’s not one you must accept as your new normal. Small, intentional changes can make a huge difference. And if all else fails, remember—no one ever solved their life problems at 3 AM.

So tonight, let’s commit to better sleep—one small change at a time.

What’s your biggest sleep challenge? What strategies have worked for you? Share your experiences in the comments—together, we might just find the solutions we’ve been searching for!