Songs They’ll Play at Your Funeral

We all have that soft-focus vision of aging: walking through golden sunshine, holding hands with our beloved, looking like stars of a high-end vitamin commercial.

The truth is, as we get older, our social lives are booked around three things: doctors’ appointments, the occasional wedding, and a growing number of funerals.

I recently attended my sister’s funeral. We weren’t close, but she had planned the service herself, every detail to the letter, and informed the pastor there were to be no deviations. I like that in a person—staying in control even after you’ve died.

She was an avid horsewoman, and her life revolved around it. The final song was “Happy Trails to You.” It was perfect. It provided levity and focused on the great love of her life. And supposedly, we are VERY distant cousins of Gene Autry.

I prefer the more modern “celebration of life.” I attended one recently for my next-door neighbor at a local country club. There were sweet stories, food, wine, and a celebration of a remarkable life.

This is the one I have planned. I don’t think many people would show up for a church service for me, but no one will miss a “damn fine party.” My executor has the guest list; she knows exactly who to include and, more importantly, who to leave out.

The funerals that baffle me most, however, are the ones where the deceased is described as a literal saint. I’ve spent half of some services looking around the funeral home chapel to make sure I’m in the right room. This got me thinking:

Have you planned yours?

I have. My financial advisor has an in-depth end-of-life planning guide, and there’s a category for it.

I want some of my favorite songs played: “The Bitch Is Back,” “I Will Survive,” and “Respect.”

It’s to be held at a family friend’s Italian restaurant, Grisanti’s. The food and wine should flow, with great music and a few kind words.

What I know for certain is that if you leave it to other people, they will pick something that makes you sound like someone no one ever knew. They’ll pick a song that’s SUPPOSEDLY to be sung at a funeral. Leave nothing to chance.

“I Will Survive” says I went through some things, came out the other side intact. “The Bitch Is Back.” I will leave it there. I haven’t decided which is more accurate; ask me later.

I know that someone is going to stand up and say, “She had strong opinions and questionable timing, but she never showed up without something good to eat.”

The music is the only place left to make your final point.

My survivors may try to override me anyway. They might decide I need something that says I was gentle, uncomplicated, and always knew the right thing to say. They would be wrong, of course.

My attorney has it in writing!